i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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