New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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