should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
