I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize