so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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