he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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