she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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