Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
