Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
