i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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