so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
