Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Dicks are not precious.
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