Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize