If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Holy shit dude........stairs
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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