Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
