He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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