Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
His nipple licking is glorious
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