I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
