need another drink. this is the easiest way
Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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