I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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