Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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