Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
