yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
