hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
We named our party play list daddy issues
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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