Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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