The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
