i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
did i walk over a car last night?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
