I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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