I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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