You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
