How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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