I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
