I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
