I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
