But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
