do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
