Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
