I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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