It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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