That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
