if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
