no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
