what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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