i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
My feet surprised me
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
