Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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