so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm too high and old for this...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
