I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
