i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
