the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
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