I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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