I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
