onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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