Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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