Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
