i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
