i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
