Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
