Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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