I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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