we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
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